Shellis dating profile
But these things stick in my craw, because the implicit message is that the single person just needs to try harder.
That is, people who would never dream of telling a depressed person to “just try harder,” to pull herself “up by the bootstraps,” or to “just get over it” have no problems telling single people exactly that when it comes to finding a life partner.
And the benefits outweigh the costs, at least for now. Neuman talks briefly about how people who worry that marriage will be unpleasant or find the process of looking uncomfortable or demeaning, saying that these problems “are an outgrowth of certain inaccurate ideas some people have developed about themselves and about the world.” While he does mention psychotherapy in passing, the emphasis is “If people can be persuaded not to be proud and not to be fearful, there are plenty of opportunities to find someone to share their lives.”***If someone has had bad experiences with dating or with a previous marriage, are their ideas about future experiences ?
After all, just because someone has a phobia of elevators because one malfunctioned while they were on board doesn’t mean they should be afraid of all elevators.
Everyone who gets married hopes their relationship will be one for the storybooks. In some cases, perhaps, but I’d argue that at least some percentage of the time it’s just dumb luck.
magazine has an interesting article out this month called “Why You Should Stop Googling Your Dates.” In it, author Samantha Henig argues that online information about potential dates can be problematic.., an associate professor of information at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, who explains that the treasure trove of data available via social media sites has encouraged people to treat their dating options like a shopping experience. Rather, appreciate that there are a lot of benefits to being single and that they may have trouble giving those up. Help them build their self-efficacy by encouraging them.
I've certainly been guilty of the picky-shopper approach: Some nights I have two tabs on my computer open at once—Anthropologie for clothes and Ok Cupid for guys. Remind them how good they are at facing other challenges in their lives.
We live in a coupled world, and many people are so afraid of being alone that they don’t know to be alone. You never really know if you have chemistry until you meet.
Yet when a single who enjoys being independent (regardless of how much she also wants a partner) wants to find a partner who is more reinforcing than that autonomy says that she’s having trouble finding a good match, the statistics come out. Maybe rather than telling singles they just need to try harder, should try harder to help them.